8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
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*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.