who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
You Might Also Like
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking