If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
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Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
constantly working on myself.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”