Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
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Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.