Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
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Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Lol
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
cat faces on other animals, a thread