“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics