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[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
So that’s what we looked like?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.