God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
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Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Feels
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Happy Halloween 🎃
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.