I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
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hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.