the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Fiction has to make sense.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market