Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
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{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.