{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
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DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Chemical wingman
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
So glad we cleared that up
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.