The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math