Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Banderslack Clamberdorch
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.