I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
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A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle