[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
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I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
meow
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.