Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
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Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.