Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
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I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.