a rare painting of a porcu’melon
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I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!