My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
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Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )