The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
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[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES