I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
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Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner