I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
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Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
This is not me but this is me
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*