Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
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It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours