Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
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Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I wish this was real life…
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops