*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
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Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
notice
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Received some very disappointing news today
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers