Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
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COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
“How’s your day going?”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
My work here is don’t.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.