Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
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I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.