When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
You Might Also Like
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.