“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
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Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
They did not think through this water fountain
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Nose
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately