5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
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good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
You have been warned.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.