[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
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God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Never ghost your hitman.