I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
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Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I鈥檓 trapped in a continuous loop
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend鈥檚 mom鈥檚 cat.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 馃槶 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: 鈥 guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
How Vaccines Work 馃Й馃К馃馃拤 (everyone needs to watch this)
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they鈥檙e all room temperature
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don鈥檛 call it that
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.