ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
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Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
british sex workers really pound for pound
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know