[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
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At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
my retirement plan is braless
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality