If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny