I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
my one true gender
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself