(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
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Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?