Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
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the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
pep talk
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.