Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
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Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.