My boss called in sick of me
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I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.