If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
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If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.