I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
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“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Ha
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.