4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
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Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
this is the best interaction on twitter
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.