“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
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Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”