Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
You Might Also Like
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Nothing.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I’ve had worse
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win