me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
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a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.