Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
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huge valentines day plans this year!!
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Dyslexics are teople poo!
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.