No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
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Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?