we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
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Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
If a snake ate a cake
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
when you don’t want to be too vague
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine